What is happening?

"Is everything alright? You seemed more and more reserved by the week. I hardly see you smile or active in class anymore. The bubbliness in you is slowly seeping away. Unlike before, I hardly hear much from you during class discussions." - Pam

Hello

It is a new month and things haven't been good for me lately. Then I thought to myself, why are things happening this way? What am I supposed to hope in the future? Will things get brighter?

I've shared that January has been a lot of downs. I rarely feel great.

Maybe it is just the start of the year.

Maybe it is something that He is trying to show me.

Maybe I haven't been going at the right track  that is why all this challenges are popping up for me.

Honestly I am scared.

You read what Pam said for my class performance? I don't know where am I heading to. Maybe some things aren't meant for me.

Actually, I don't know la.

Attention seeker

Maybe it is just how I was treated back then. Maybe it was my past that I am like this... seeking for attention.

Back then, when I had Hafiz, I felt like I was the Queen. He would show me off, he would send and fetch me to school. He would do anything, I swear. Regardless of how many heartbreaks I'd faced, I would feel like a Queen at the end of the day. I got all the attention I want maybe also it is because it was a "teenage love.". Plus his phone was never important. (lol)

(goodness, I don't feel like going to school tomorrow..)

Now, I have this habit that I'm better off alone if I know that I would not get the attention. I mean people don't notice me when I'm with them.. except when I'm at the gym or the fitness corner. Oh my goodness, when I am at the gym, I feel that I can get the attention that I want super duper easily. People will come up to me and say "Hey, you need a spotter?" or "Hey! What's your name?" or even better... "You are one small strong girl." Do you know how happy when I receive this comments in the gym? That is why I don't mind going to the gym alone.

Ok, whatever you've read might sound like I am one spoilt bitch. But that is not the point here... I just want to remind myself that.., "I'm better off alone." No one can truly make you happy. 

but.. I love Hans so much. So what is the matter now?

I just need to spend time with him. and only him. For goodness sake, he is liked by everyone. It is inevitable for him to go a day without spending time on his phone because he is always connecting. He is cared by everyone. But the only thing I want from him... is just his time. His time that only consist just talking to me in the eyes without any other distractions e.g. his phone on silent, mobile data turned off,...when was the last time I got that? (Hey don't get it wrong, I know he love me too.. but he is just another busy person)

Maybe is the way I was treated back then. I was the queen. But I cannot always be the Queen to everyone right?

All I need is to understand. Understand and understand. Give in and give in. Make sure others is happy... it will eventually make yourself happy too.

Goodness! I feel super duper emotional now that I just want to sleep through my Friday.

Alright, the start of 2017 hasn't been great. It is okay, I can get through this.. it is just "13/365" days. There will be so many other days.

And also, I should go to the gym more often to receive my self-worth.  

Blessed but...

Happy New Year! Alright, I gave a little change to my blog theme (um just had to since NEW YEAR NEW ME lol.)  

"My Man"

Alright, hi!

There is going to be two parts to this post. I'm blessed to have great companies, great friends and a great lover but...

Here's the thing, read my previous post? I've mentioned about Eswaran (Esh) before and I did mention about losing friends.

I do not want to say that I've lost Esh entirely but at the same time, I feel that things between us aren't the same as before. Is it because I have him? (Honestly, I think it is not because of him). Ok, now that's another new story that you haven't heard.

Let me share with you about him. 

Hans. HANS? Hahaha, I've written about him before in the previous post and now I'm mentioning about him again? Guess what, it's been two months since we dated/together/in a relationship...(ok honestly I'm not really sure but I know we're both in love). Surprisingly huh? I started my polytechnic years, crushing him, eye-candying him and going crazy over his cute smile and looks. Then things change, we hated each other so much and we even fought. And look at us now. We're hugging and kissing. In school, he can't keep his hands off my ...alright too much information. I am honestly blessed to have someone that is so special. And I feel that I can give my all without any second thoughts. I think I can say that I am the luckiest girl now?

But then.. *ok why is there a but?*

Ever since I am with him, Esh has been different lately. Fuck, I do not ever want to say that. Like what I mean, "ever since I am with him."

E. You said we're bestfriends. I really appreciate that. I was happy to have you around. But then why did you have to push me away? Why must you change the things we had? You should know that I know my priorities, and you were the first one that made me feel stronger - you made me grew a little from the super duper cranky Lina to Lina that rarely cries. You made me realised that I actually can do things...like a lot of things. But now, you just had to leave me alone? Is that how you define...bestfriends? Or maybe.. it's just you labelling us. Well, I admit I miss us. But, nevermind, maybe you're better off with someone that can spend their after school with you. Someone that can accompany you for late supper at Aliff. Someone that can accompany you to (finally) shoot. 

I am always trying my best to not think so much. I really love my man. I really love Hans. But the best friend is still our main priority, right?

Today marks your 19th birthday. She actually posted something on her Instagram and wished you. And...when I wished you (like 2 hours before LOL), you were actually surprised I remembered your birthday. Haha, I doubt you even know mine. (Ok that's not the point) Maybe for you - you win some, you lose some.

--

On the other note, best friends stay no matter how hard life gets, right?. I still have Syiida and the other girls. Maybe I should not even have a best friend of an opposite gender - and now this reminds me of what my mother always told me, "A boy and a girl can never be best friends." Maybe, after all, she is right. Mum is always right. That is why I have been falling behind. That is why I have been crying unnecessarily. I have been on the wrong track. I have lost a lot of guy best friend since I was Secondary 4. Nah, not going to name it.

So I think, I should really move on. Focus what is right and what is necessary. Focus on what that makes me happy. :-)

You know what actually make me happy? I can... easily mention to my parents that I am out with Hans. Hehehe, and maybe who knows I can easily ask for permission from my parents for him to marry me? (Ok readers, just pray that my relationship with him will go far.)

--

The first week of Jan 2017 just flew so quickly and there is so many things I've thought about. I just hope that I can conquer it with positivity and nicely. And I'll end it here. :-)

Till next time!

Stupid mistakes deserve consequences

I am disappointed.. at myself.

I am going to upset both of my parents which I do not want them too. So far my relationship with my parents has been good for at least 2 years - because I left him. But then, why am I repeating my mistakes?

I'm scared now but I am not afraid to face my mistakes in front of them. I mean, I do not want to lose them and I want to show that this time round... I am truly a disappointment.....................................and I know I did a mistake.

What happens now?

Will I still be enjoying my Sundays with my mum - laughing and joking around?

Will my dad trust me again whenever I go out late evening?

Will my brother even want me as his sister?

OMG REALLY?

Hello!

Wow, I have left this platform for a very LOOOONG time. I should not have done that...well if I were to commit myself to blogging, at least memories are kept here!

So I am back after...8 months! And I swear.. lot things happened in that 8 months.

Let me do a quick summary of what had happened in my life!

1) I've lost friends: Wait.. what do I mean by that? To be precise... lost someone whom I thought he is the one that can be there through my poly years.

2) I've been training well and going to the gym: Well, I NEED to mention this as I've been doing something really serious during that 8 months - street workout and also gymming. (Came across the previous post that I wanted to be fit hehe)

3) I went to Great Ocean Walk, Australia! This was an achievement for me, a trip I aimed to go for   since I entered DOAL. (Maybe I shall do a separate post about the trip?)

4) MY GPA IMPROVED! I swear Year 2 Sem 1 was the laziest for me... I did not really put in extra effort to study for MSA and ESE...well if I do...maybe my GPA will jump from Ananas Chicken Rice to Bagus Chicken Rice. ok lol not funny.

5) If I were to blog about Y2S1...I swear, there's a lot I can share. But my life wasn't that happy as compared to Y1S2 - like seriously, a lot happened. Twitter was there for me but for goodness sake, I've deleted it. I am now looking forward to Y2S2. I am pretty excited to work with new people and of course to be killed by new modules.

6) I am working in the Zoo. Why must I share this? Well, I got to let you guys know that I've been working in the Zoo since April. And I'm loving my job. Like seriously. I am slowly turning into an animal lover and every day it got me thinking - why do people poach Rhinoceros? They are the cutest animal! And human beings are so stupid. Their horns never bring any good! I hope I can hug a sloth one day.

7) Eswaran. I may have lost someone... but in return, I got a very special gift. A very sarcastic, great best friend. I swear, he has been my pillar ever since he knew me inside out. I am stronger than before. (Well literally too because he is my gym partner) And he made me realised that I can always shape myself to a better person if I believe. I CAN LITERALLY TALK A LOT OF CRAP (good crap) about him. But I'll keep it, I don't want anyone to steal him away from me.

And that's about it.

Honestly, life is full of surprises. It has always been a good balance of both that made me into a better person now. I can't wait for more!

With that, I shall end it and I hope I could write more!

xoxo

Dreams

Hello! 

I think it's just the late night thoughts and the after effect of drinking two cans of coffee that made me want to write a post tonight!

It would not be an ordinary post that I usually share about how my days went or how sad am I or how happy am I.

I'll be sharing my dreams.

I am girl that has big dreams since I was little. I always wanted to be a leader and I made it - became a prefect when I was 9 years old and I was appointed as a President for a Student Council when I was 15.

Now, I finally see that I have a much bigger dream. It seemed achievable (really), well because of where I am standing right now. But only He knows whether I am able to achieve it (of course with hard work and determination too)

I am 18 years old now and I want to...

1. Be and look fit *smirks* 

Yeah, it is quite funny huh? I've actually started going to the gym last year - Dec 2015. Yeah, due to the heartbreaks, I distracted myself as much as possible by just squatting. Going to the gym is pretty fun especially when you challenged yourself to go over your limit. Despite my small body, I am not able to carry at least 12 kg each for my squats now. I am aiming for over than 20 kg *winks*

Honestly, I still do not really know what I want out of these heavy work outs - well maybe I just want to aim to be able to do it OR maybe I want to have a nice looking... glutes, quads, back, biceps...See? I still do not know which one I should really aim for...maybe everything?

I may consider to start power lifting and who knows I challenge myself in a mini competition? Just for a little experience?

If you're wondering who inspired me...well I was inspired by a few friends especially Tyeisha :-)

This is Tyei, rough but great friend and she also go to the gym ;-) / This picture was taken when we first worked together! 

She has been there, always reminding me to go to the gym whenever I am sad. She do not mind listening to my 'achievements' I've made so far and she...she just motivates. Thank you, man!

Besides that, since holidays have started, I think I'll just occupy my time with going to the gym (hopefully I get a job soon too though).

So, yeah. Briefly, this is my first goal, not a goal for 2016 but... something I want to work on for years - make it an interest, and find a partner with the same interest too ;-)

2. Get really good grades and enter Monash University or La Trobe University

That is a pretty tough goal to aim but I got to try.

I never knew what I want to do since I was sitting for O levels. I knew my grades would not be top notch. My grades were never excellent or a good pass. But let's look forward and change my 'old self.'

Year 1 in Polytechnic hasn't been easy besides the friends and fun, I was struggling to chase for that A with not enough effort. (LOL IRONY)

Anyways, I think that I should maximise my effort in Year 2 (hmm, final GPA for Year 1 have yet to release yet so...) but I mean, just a pass in GPA should never be something that I want to aim.

“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.”
― Norman Vincent Peale

I should not stop at Diploma. I mean, look at Singapore now, diploma holders might not have the brightest future. Bachelor of Outdoor Education in La Trobe University maybe? Insya Allah. 

Let me dream. Let me try. Let me achieve.

Let's end it with a quote :-)

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

You're my closest friend

His name is Hans Edzra

Hi..

February just started and I blew it up.

I just screw things up. Simple things can be solved just by talking and yet I chose to ignore and rolled my eyes at you. I chose to be angry and punched the wall and let you be angry at me for being so rude to you.

I am really sorry for what I have done. At the same time, Hans, you should have known what you did wrong too. You left me hanging with a huge load of work left to do. You know we're supposed to do this as a team.

--

I am always aiming for quality work despite how important the work is. I simply can't accept team mates that says things like "Just do anyhow," "Just depend on 6th P," "this work means nothing much," and etc. I grew up treating every tasks assigned as the first and the last. Hence, I will do my best at everything. This is when you become disciplined, have commitment and shape your leadership skills.

A question I always asked myself, "Why is there still people out there not treating their school work seriously?"

Thus, today I raged. I felt the entire work load was on me. I was so stressed up and yet my members tell me to chill?

--

Whatever happened today, let it be a lesson - communicate and never leave anyone behind. At the same time, learn to have self-control.

Don't be so egoistic until you're that close to losing someone that you truly cherish.

--

Here's a message for you, Hans.

I am really sorry. I know I should have self-control. I should not have just ignored you and walked away. I just could not stand the way you treat things - your school work especially.

I am already feeling rusty with you. And I do not really want this.

All I want is to have a friendship with you that people will get jealous of. We were really good at the start. Sigh.

I don't want to lose you. (I might say this line too much.) But you're special Hans.

It doesn't sound convincing but trust me, I cherished you from the start.

Oh no, don't get me wrong, I am not into you. I just want to keep you forever.

You can be the most shittiest friend I know but at the same time... you're great.

Sincerely,
Mursalina

--

"..if you are able to influence their attitude to be more serious and put in more effort... You essentially help to shape them into a better person too." - Jun Ping